Posts Tagged ‘hormones

06
Dec
08

afternoon day 6

Today is day 6 of becoming dragon. Again, I feel that its a real accomplishment ot have made it this far.

Day 5 was hard. Very hard. There was a big performance symposium at ucsd, with performances going on all day all around campus, so most mf support people were occupied with that most of the day. At 6pm I told the people who were here for hte performance that I didn’t need any real food, just snacks, because I thought that other support people would be back soon.

I also have this persistent experience that I’m not hungry. I think its a combination of not burning many calories in here, being distracted by SL all day and having my body on a kind of alert mode because whenever I take off the visor I’m pretty dizzy and my face is very sore and red.

So, around midnight I realized that I hadn’t eaten or drank much of anything since 6pm, so I called some friends who showed up around 12:30 with food. By 11:30, I was starting to feel very bad, disoriented, tired and grumpy. People were still being so generous and taking me to amazing places, but really, by the time I got to Teal to see the Second Life servers recreated in SL by Jopsy Pendragon, I felt pretty confused when I arrived there. It probably didn’t help matter much that I was hanging out with Kathryna watching Dragonball Z explosions that filled the screen for about half an hour.

By the time I ate, I was seriously tired and the food mostly made me feel full in a gross way. Fortunately, once I took off the hmd, brushed my teeth, washed my face and laid down to sleep, I started feeling better. This morning I felt much better after a good night’s sleep, even though I generally feel dizzy when I first open my eyes in the mornings now.

Still, day 5 had great moments. I deeply enjoyed doing another poetry reading for “Something is Happening” and there was a good sized audience here IRL. I read “notes on becoming, 2mg of estradiol” (http://bang.calit2.net/tts/2008/11/14/notes-on-becoming-2mg-estradiol/) and “between questions now and answers then” (http://bang.calit2.net/tts/2008/11/24/between-questions-now-and-answers-then/). I did the reading at The Nameless Isle (http://bloghud.com/id/27253/) whic corresponds so well with the notion I’m exploring of how we can think about subjects in transition that we don’t hav names and labels for, subjects that are valid but don’t have nameable identities. Perhaps I’ll tyr writing some more poetry today, some immersion poetry, full of distraction and overstimulation and bodily discomfort…

I spoke to a trans persno who lives in the south of wales, they said they live in a very country town and that they like the fact that I’m a dragon because dragons are shapeshifters. They like that idea because they change genders numerous times a day, because they said that if people in their town knew they were trans they would likely be “beaten to an inch of death”. It was again like the tgirl from Missisipi, showing that SL can be a place for social connections which are not possible IRL.

I also got invited to a goth club by a friend who’s new to SL. I pole danced until I got kicked out by the bouncer, apparently only paid performers can be on stage. She later invited me to an S&M dungeon, which I went to for a bit, but I felt rather out of place, since a dragon doesn’t fit on the torture table anyway, and I left soon after I arrived.

I also visited the “one thousand and one” knights of sand arabian sim, where the second person in my time here told me that I am a sexy dragon. That was interesting to me, because it seems to me like dragons are mostly outside of the anthropomorphic economy of sex in Second Life. Sandy Stone asked how a dragon gender fits in with desire, and apparently that is how. Perhaps it is the sleekness or the shape, or the color or the notion fo dragons as powerful? The person from wales told me that becoming dragon was interesting in contrast to changing gender because dragons seem to be respected, while people changing genders are commonly lose respect from many.

Ok, enough blogging for now. Come and visit me. I’m adding additions and objects to my space in SL. I’m happy to say that the motion capture and head tracking are both working again this morning. I think I may be working out a system for having the motion capture be more reliable.

05
Dec
08

day 5 of becoming dragon

It is the morning of day 5. I’m glad I’ve gotten this far, 5 seems like a good number of days, a friend said its almost a week, the way we think of a week as monday to friday.

Day 4 was ao amazing. I can only hope for more days like yesterday. I have a constrant stream of visitors in rl and sl which is great.

Yesterday Cauleen and Ricardo visited, which was very nice. I showed Cauleen around SL, we hung out for a while in the space park, with me floating in space and her controlling the stereo projection’s character. Ricardo said he feels that all the technical difficulties are a strong part of the project, it’s a complicated process becoming dragon.

In the evening I tried to be on the panel at the rubber rose, but their audio setup was really bad, just a macbook with the impossible builtin mic next to the speakers, so we started an hour late. I only got to make a few comments, and when we finally got it working, I said a few sentences and then my wireless mic battery died, so we ended it there. Still, it was nice to hear the parts of the panel I could hear, about being trans and struggling to be visible, or strugling to explain yourself to people, and feeling like people think that a trans person is all of who you are, even when there’s so much more to a person. There was a lot of discussion of being trans in relationships and the difficult dynamics of seeming straight, being misperceived, or of dealing with your partner transitioning. This was all in the context of a photo exhibit at the Rubber Rose gallery with nudes of trans people, as well as some discussion of this project.

Interesting dynamics continue to emerge, like the feeling of having all of this life support apparatus, all of these applications and computers and cables enabling my living, and dealing with their failures and keeping going. This morning the head tracking and the motion capture are both working, which is great, and I hope they keep working for the performance at 5.

At night were some of the most profound moments I’ve had here yet. I talked for a while to a furry little fox with a wrist computer, who told me that she lives in the south in the US and that she doesn’t have access to hormones or know any other trans people in real life. She says that second life and on the internet are the only places she can talk to other trans people.

Later at night, some people from the Space Studies Institute came by and gave me some amazing objects. First we rode some rockets, which they gave me a copy of. Then they gave me a 3d model of all the stars local to earth at a distance of 10 parsecs or less, which you can pull out of your pocket, unfold and fly around in.

One of them had a avatar of a little girl. I asked her later, while we were walking through the chakryn forest, if she is really a little girl. She told me no, she’s an adult woman, but that people treat her better in SL as a child, that she likes that people take her less seriously with this avatar. She told me that she has another avatar that looks just like her real self, and sometimes she interacts with the same people with different avatars, and people treat her much better as a little girl. It struck me as one of the most profound moments of avatar exploration that I had heard of yet. After that she invited me to go talk to ALICE the AI in a city that looks much like blade runner, and we went there, but then it was time for me to sleep. She said that she thought I was staying up the whole 365 hours! I told her no. Though she was still very excited when I showed her a sign that said “hi name” with her name over the video stream. This morning I went back and talked to ALICE, but she’s not a very good conversationalist.




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